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THE FIRST DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY
(Father's Day - 6-16-02)

Today, we're constantly hearing about dysfunctional families.
But this is not a 20th or 21st century phenomenon. Families
have always been dysfunctional. Let's examine some of the
problems of the first family.

The problem started with dissatisfaction and sin. The Scripture
says, "When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good
for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining
wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her
husband, who was with her, and he ate it" (Gen. 3:6).

Then there was guilt and fear: "The man and his wife heard the
sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the
cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees
of the garden" (Gen. 3:8).

These negative emotions led to deceit and excuses and blame:
"And (God) said . . . "Have you eaten from the tree that I
commanded you not to eat from?" The man said, "The woman you
put here with me--she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I
ate it." Then the Lord God said to the woman, "What is this you
have done? The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate"
Gen. 3:11b-13).

After children were born there was sibling rivalry with envy and
jealousy and anger. It's a very old and yet very common story.
"Abel brought fat portions from some of the firstborn of his
flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but
on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was
very angry, and his face was downcast. Then the Lord said to
Cain, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do
what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do
what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have
you, but you must master it" (Gen. 4:4-7).

Domestic violence followed and the first crime was murder. "Now
Cain said to his brother Abel, "Let's go out to the field." And
while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and
killed him" (Gen. 4:8).

What an unfortunate beginning for the human family.
What can we learn from their mistakes? Well, we can avoid
dissatisfaction because it leads to sin. Then, sin leads to
guilt and fear and these lead to deceit and excuses and blame.

When parents have these negative attitudes and engage in these
destructive acts, the children will have envy, jealousy and
anger, and eventually violence. Such dysfunctional families
start with dad and mom.

A prison guard told about a very disturbing experience. He
said, "One day I stood at the gate. Nearby a criminal sentenced
to life was detained with chains on his hands and feet because
he was considered very dangerous. A police van bringing new
convicts stopped before the gate. Among them was the son of the
criminal, himself also a murderer sentenced to life. He had
chains on his own hands and feet. As the two met, the son
lifted his chained hands toward the father and said, "Like
father, like son!"

The hardened criminal blushed and let his head drop. He didn't
answer a word.

Dads are so influential in their children's lives. A preschool
Sunday school class was drawing pictures of what they thought
God looked like. Some of the young artists were highly
imaginative. Their pictures featured everything from rainbows
to Superman. But one little girl's drawing was unique. When
asked about it she said, "Well, since I don't know what God
looks like, I just drew a picture of my daddy."

In many ways this little girl was right. A child is not likely
to find a father in God unless he first finds Godliness in his
father. Being a dad means more than being the bread winner.
God has given you the responsibility of being His representative
to the family. Perhaps of even greater importance, He has given
you the responsibility of representing your family to God.

Paul gives us some valuable guidelines to follow: He says,
"Children, obey your parents in the Lord [as His
representatives], for this is just and right" (Eph. 6:1, amp).

Notice, children are only obligated to obey if the parents are
representing the Spirit of God. Children are not obligated to
obey when drugs, molestation, incest and crimes are involved.

"Honor, (esteem and value as precious) your father and your
mother; this is the first commandment with a promise" (Eph. 6:2,
amp).

Again, children are to honor their parents if those parents are
honorable.

The next admonition is to fathers: "Fathers, do not irritate and
provoke your children to anger-do not exasperate them to
resentment-but rear them [tenderly] in the training and
discipline and counsel and admonition of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4,
amp).

What a great verse! This means, as a parent, our advice and
rules and discipline must be reasonable and loving. We must not
ridicule or criticize or punish in ways that cause resentment
and rebellion.
In another Scripture Paul says, "Fathers, do not provoke or
irritate or fret your children-do not be hard on them or harass
them; lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and
feel inferior and frustrated; do not break their spirit" (Col.
3:21, amp).

Here he gives even more details as to parental behavior. Far
from the old admonition to "Spare the rod and spoil the child";
or "Children should be seen and not heard," this Scripture says,
"Don't be too hard on them; don't be an authoritarian dictator;
don't discourage them, don't destroy their self esteem; and
don't break their spirit." That means don't try to change their
natural temperament to suit you. Each child is unique and each
has his own particular strengths and weaknesses.

Furthermore, each child has enormous potential.

Many years ago people realized that children are very different.
They observed that individuals fall into about four groups:

I. SOME ARE HAPPY AND BUBBLY.

They have many friends. They talk a lot and need constant
attention. They're wonderful performers; but they tend to act
now and think later. It's hard to get them down to serious
business because they like to have fun. They make excuses and
tell tall tales; and they need approval and physical affection.
To encourage their strengths and avoid their weaknesses, these
children need structure and discipline in areas of money and
organization.

II. THEN, THERE ARE THE STRONG WILLED CHILDREN.

They are active and bright, but they like to have control. They
throw tantrums when they don't get their way. These little
bosses are hard to manage, but they also have many strengths.
One psychologist said, "The same kid that yells, "No, I won't do
it" to dad at age 2 will say "No, I won't do it" to the drug
dealer at age 16. These children are productive and competent.
To encourage their strengths and avoid their weaknesses, these
children need consistent and logical rules and early
responsibilities.

III. NEXT, THERE ARE A FEW CHILDREN WHO ACT LIKE LITTLE ADULTS.

They seem to be four going on forty. These are deep minded,
sensitive and moody. They want things to be right. They are
responsible and perfectionistic. They feel sorry for hungry
children and remember hurts for a long time. Many of our gifted
poets and artists come from this group. They may threaten
parents and teachers because they are so different. To
encourage their strengths and avoid their weaknesses, these
children need to develop positive attitudes. They may need to
be sheltered from violent movies.

IV. FINALLY, THERE ARE THE ALL PURPOSE CHILDREN.

These are easy going and calm. They're never hyper-active or
confrontational; but unfortunately they're also world-class
procrastinators. Getting homework and cleaning rooms are always
going to be done later. They'll agree and then "forget" or put
it off. They are easily overlooked. Also, they can be very
stubborn if pushed too far. To encourage their strengths and
avoid their weaknesses, these children need some pushing. They
must learn how to have initiative and handle conflict.

Now, each of these unique personalities must be handled and
disciplined in a different way. What will work for one won't
work for another. The familiar Scripture from Proverbs about
rearing children expresses this concept so well. The Amplified
Bible, which reflects the original Hebrew says: "Train up a
child in the way he should go [ and in keeping with his
individual gift or bent], and when he is old he will not depart
from it" (Prov. 22:6, Amp).

Besides love and limits, the next greatest gift we can give our
children is a gradual drawing out of the special abilities that
God has given them. This allows children to sense at a young
age, "I'm very good at this activity. I enjoy using these
skills. I have competency in this area. This is who I am!"
This proverb is challenging us to help children discover and
develop their natural aptitudes and their core motivations.
Training up a child "in the way he should go" means helping that
child discover the path in life that is best for him or her.

Yes, we hear a lot about dysfunctional families; but you don't
have to have a dysfunctional family.

Remember, dad, you represent God to your children. Your
interests and attitudes and actions have a strong effect on your
child. Research has found that the single most powerful
influence on the child's feelings about church evolved from
whether their parents attended church. You are responsible for
your children. You must not fail in this most important role.

A TV interviewer once asked William Bennett a question. He
said, "Since protocol demands that I introduce you by your
highest title, and since you've held two cabinet-level positions
in the previous administration, I'm a little confused. Here's
what I need to know. Is your highest title, 'Mr. Secretary of
Education,' or is your highest title "Mr. Drug Czar'?"

Bennet's reply was given without a moment's hesitation. He
looked at his host, with a twinkle in his eye, and said, "Well,
if you want to introduce me by the highest title that I've ever
held, then you're going to have to call me 'Dad', because that's
the highest title I've ever had, or will ever have."

That's true of you. Don't blow it!

*****

This message is from an unpublished manuscript © copyrighted by
Miles and Maralene Wesner, Idabel, OK. Please use it in any way
you think appropriate. The only thing we ask is that you give
credit for original material in published works.

EMAIL SERMON SERVICE is a free service from Diversity Press.
Material in our sermons usually present the Gospel from a
non-Fundamentalist, psychological point of view. They should be
readily adaptable for ALL denominations and even secular
occasions by omitting the Scriptures.

My ministry has been blessed immeasurably by reading other
people's sermons. When I started preaching 54 years ago, I
waited for "inspiration" before I began my sermon preparation
(usually Saturday night, about midnight). Then, I discovered it
wasn't inspiration at all-it was sheer PANIC. I would have
welcomed this service.

Comments are always welcome. (Please indicate if you do not want
your comments to appear in New Perspectives).

Miles E. Wesner