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PITFALLS ON THE PATH OF LIFE!
(Introduction: Life 101)
(This is the first sermon in this series).

Jesus said, “Small is the gate and narrow is the road that leads to life and only a few find it” (Matt. 7:14)

That’s a tragic reality today. So many lives are in shambles.
Some have already crashed under the acute pain of divorce, violence, drugs, alcohol, bankruptcy, illness or death. Many others are slowly crumbling from the chronic miseries of frustration, disappointment, depression, regret, worry, boredom and uncertainty. Thoreau called these, “lives of quiet desperation.”

Job expressed it this way: “Man, born of woman is of few days and full of trouble” (Job 14:1).

But Jesus had a different perspective. He said, “I have come that they may have life and have it to the full” (John 10:10).

He knew we only have one life and it is a gift from God. Paul said, “(God) gives all men life and breath and everything else” (Acts 17:25b).

Our lives are too valuable to waste. Therefore, if this path of life is narrow, we must find it and stay on it. Unfortunately, there are many pitfalls along the way. The inadequate maps, the deceptive signboards, the false guides, the dead-end streets, the aggravating road blocks, and the time wasting detours plague all of us. So, let’s consider nine pitfalls that keep us from having a full and abundant life:

PITFALLS ON THE PATH OF LIFE!
II-1. LACK OF AUTONOMY

Someone said, “We’re born to win; but conditioned to lose.”
This negative conditioning starts early. Once a little boy was proud of a picture he had painted. But when his teacher and some kids laughed, he was hurt and embarrassed.

Years later, a college professor discovered his talent for art.
But, unfortunately, he couldn’t draw or paint without panic attacks. After therapy, however, he became an award winning artist. One teacher’s wrong opinion had almost destroyed his potential.

Our self image is practically set by the age of 6 or 7. That’s why most of us go through life never knowing who we are and never understanding why we act the way we do.

We need to become autonomous and independent. Jeremiah said, “People will no longer say, `The fathers have eaten sour grapes,
and the children's teeth are set on edge.' Instead, everyone
will die for his own sin; whoever eats sour grapes--his own teeth will be set on edge” (Jer. 31:29-30).

Jesus knew the danger of family conditioning. He said, “If any one comes to me and does not hate his [own] father and mother [that is . . . (have) relative disregard for them in comparison with his attitude toward God] . . . he cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:26, amp).

Paul said, “Each of us will give an account of himself to God” (Rom. 14:12).

Now, being autonomous doesn’t mean we’re not to love our family or be close to our relatives. It just means that in the final analysis, each of us must develop our own identity and take responsibility for our own actions.

As children, we need a nurturing person to affirm us. Dr. John Bradshaw says, “Whatever is in the mother’s eyes becomes the foundation of the child’s identity.”

We need to be valued as special persons. We need caretakers who reflect all of our feelings back to us. If parts of us are accepted, such as our smiles, and other parts are rejected, such as our angers, then these rejected parts get split off. They will continue to grow outside our consciousness and take on a life of their own. They cause unexplained rage or depression or anxiety.

Dr. Bradshaw said, “I grew up being told, ‘Big boys don’t cry!’
and ‘It’s sissy to be afraid!’ I couldn’t even be very happy because ‘there were starving children in Bangladesh.’

“In my family, the only legitimate emotion was guilt. If you can’t be glad, mad, sad or afraid, your true self shuts down, and a false self is created.

Dr. Bradshaw continued, “Children are different! No child of mine ever did a task exactly like I asked them to do it.
Instead, they did it their way. Sometimes that was frustrating to me; but that is as God intended it.”

We lack autonomy because of: enmeshment, false self-images and unproductive life scripts. I. ENMESHMENT.

The first reason we lack autonomy is because we are enmeshed.
There are no boundaries between what’s me and what’s not me. We lose touch with our feelings because they have been discounted so many times. When we were children, adults said, “Oh, you don’t really hate your aunt!” Or “You’re not really afraid of that little spider!”

We’re told that we shouldn’t be happy if our sister is sad. We shouldn’t be angry if our brother bosses us. We’re made to feel ashamed for something our father did, or guilty over something an uncle did. After years of this, we don’t even know our own desires and interests and responsibilities. We become so entwined with our families and associates that we don’t know where we end and they begin.

The lives in enmeshed families are like a tangled mass of electrical cords. Each person gives up his uniqueness and plays his rigid role in order to be loyal to the system. Any attempt to change the role, or to be different is met with anger and rejection. A person in a dysfunctional family trying to be autonomous will feel a neurotic sense of guilt.

In fact, the individuals in a dysfunctional family exist for the family. The family does not exist for the individual.

Jesus seemed to be exerting his autonomy, even at the age of 12. When his mother rebuked him for staying in the temple, he answered quite sharply for a child of that time. Luke wrote, “When his parents saw him, they were astonished. His mother said to him, ‘Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you.’ ‘Why were you searching for me?’ he asked. ‘Didn't you know I had to be in my Father's house?’ “ (Luke 2:48-49).

Again when his mother told him to do something about the lack of wine at a wedding, he expressed independence, “Jesus' mother said to him, ‘They have no more wine.’ ‘Dear woman, why do you involve me?’ Jesus replied. ‘My time has not yet come‘ ” (John 2:3-4).

Finally, he was extremely abrupt and adamant when his family came, insisting that he leave his ministry and return home.
“While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. Someone told him, ‘Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.’ He replied to him, ‘Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?’ Pointing to his disciples, he said, ‘Here are my mother and my brothers’ (Matt.12:46-49).

"My mother and brothers are those who hear God's word and put it into practice” (Luke 8:21).

Jesus wasn’t enmeshed.

II. FALSE SELF-IMAGES.

We also lack autonomy because we have false self-images. We develop false self-images because from birth, we “see ourselves” in the “mirrors” of our family and friends and teachers. Too often those “mirrors” are distorted.

As children, we take all the looks, remarks, and actions of those around us, and decide that, “This Is Who I Am.” We base our self-image on what we’ve been told, whether it’s accurate or not. This determines what we can and cannot do. If someone says, “You’ll never amount to anything,” we believe it.

Furthermore, from then on we will look for evidence to support that opinion and filter out any information that contradicts that opinion.

Mary a middle child was always described as “cute and sweet”’ but never encouraged to excel. Her parents thought her brother was a genius, and since her little sister was pretty, she was pushed into music and dance. Mary remained “cute and sweet”, even though she was equal in intelligence to her brother and actually more musically talented than her sister.

Today, as a mediocre college student who’s “cute and sweet,” she’s being faithful to her assigned image.

We never question the validity of these evaluations. Our identity and personal value is set early in life. If the setting is too low, we’ll live down to that “set point.” The wrong setting becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Like thermostats, we change the circumstances to make them fit our “setting,” whether it’s high or low.

Jesus exerted his autonomy in every word and act of his life.
He knew who he was and he had a high level of self-esteem. Once when criticized, Jesus answered, “ ‘Is it not written in your Law, “I have said you are gods?” If he called them “gods,” to whom the word of God came . . . what about the one whom the Father set apart as his very own and sent into the world? Why then do you accuse me of blasphemy because I said, “I am God's Son” '?” (John 10:34-36).

He also said, “I know where I came from and where I am going” (John 8:14).

Jesus had an accurate, true self-image.

III. UNPRODUCTIVE LIFE SCRIPT.

Finally, we lack autonomy because we have unproductive life scripts. We follow these unproductive life scripts until they become habits. We can’t develop our own agenda because we’ve been trained to obey the demands of authority figures. We’re not sure if we want to do certain things; or if that’s just what our parents wanted us to do.

For instance, a boy who’s into athletics wonders if that’s his interest or if that’s his frustrated dad’s interest. A girl who’s into beauty pageants wonders if that’s her interest or if that’s her disappointed mother’s interest. We choose certain recreational activities because our friends enjoy them. We decide on certain careers because our teachers influence us. We accept certain volunteer positions because our pastors urged us to. We agree to certain political or civic responsibilities because of public pressure. In short, we are not in charge of our lives. We go along to get along, and waste our lives.

A script is a life plan. It’s like a drama written for a stage production. We often feel obligated to play our assigned role and do exactly what the script dictates. George was the son of a successful lawyer and it was assumed that he would also become a lawyer. Now, George had artistic abilities and really wanted to be an architect; but he felt that he would “betray something” if he did that. So he never even considered this idea.
Instead, he went to law school and is dutifully playing a role that he did not choose and is living out a script that he did not write.

Jesus exerted his autonomy when it came to his mission and his actions. He said, “My food. . .is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work” (John 4:34).

Later he said, “The very work that the Father has given me to finish, and which I am doing, testifies that the Father has sent me” (John 5:36).

Jesus had a productive life script.

CONCLUSION:

Yes, we’re born to win. We’re born to be original, autonomous individuals; but too often enmeshment, false self-images and unproductive life scripts condition us to lose. Over time, we develop “learned helplessness.” This is a feeling that nothing we do can make a difference. Years ago, researchers put dogs in closed cages and gave them electric shocks. At first, they tried to jump out; but after awhile they gave up. Later, when the tops of the cages were removed, these animals still made no effort to escape. They had “learned” that they were helpless.

Those with “learned helplessness” say, “What’s the use! Effort doesn’t pay.” Unfortunately, it seems that way at times. John worked his way up from bagging groceries to becoming assistant manager. He was a dependable employee who put in long hours.
He deserved a promotion and in fact was promised the position of manager. But the absentee owner, with no notice, gave the job to his inexperienced nephew. John was devastated. He left the grocery business and tried college; but flunked out. He lost several jobs and finally lost his family. His attitude was, “Why try? It’s the breaks, not your productivity that matters.” He had “learned helplessness.”

Jesus said, “Small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it” (Matt. 7:14).

In order to find the narrow path that leads to abundant life we must become un-enmeshed; we must have a true self-image; and we must follow a productive life script.

Before you were born, God had a plan and a purpose for your life. He gave you the special abilities and aptitudes that would enable you to accomplish that purpose. Now, it’s your job to discover who you really are and to do what God wants you to do. That requires autonomy. Paul said, “Do not be conformed to this world (or) adapted to its customs; but be transformed so that you may prove for yourselves what is the will of God, even the thing which is perfect in His sight for you” (Rom. 12:2, amp).

In other words, don’t let other people’s opinions determine your worth or make your choices. You may want to take these things into consideration, but the final decision should be yours.

***

These messages are from an unpublished manuscript © copyrighted by Miles and Maralene Wesner, Idabel, OK. Please use them in any way you think appropriate. The only thing we ask is that you give credit for original material in published works.

My ministry has been blessed immeasurably by reading other people’s sermons. When I started preaching 56 years ago, I waited for “inspiration” (usually Saturday night, about midnight) before I began my sermon preparation. Then, I discovered it wasn’t inspiration at all—it was sheer PANIC. I would have welcomed this service.

Comments are always welcome. (Please indicate if you do not want your comments to appear in New Perspectives).

Miles E. Wesner