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Is Your Family Bankrupt?

Mark 10:6-9
October 11, 2009

    We hear a lot today about financial problems and bankruptcies.  But now let’s consider this:  If the health of your family was rated like your bank account, would you be rich?  Would you be poor?  Or would you be bankrupt?

    Relationships are like Bank Accounts.  Positive attitudes, kind speech and productive actions make deposits.  Negative attitudes, critical speech and unproductive actions make withdrawals.  It’s as simple as that.  If there is more hostility than love, more complaints than compliments, and more bad experiences than good experiences in any family, then the account will be overdrawn and the union will eventually be bankrupt.

    This is all too common today, because, most of us don’t get married to fill our partner’s needs and make them happy.  Instead, we get married to fill our own needs and make ourselves happy.

    The kind of love that makes a permanent marriage is not a feeling, it’s a decision and a responsibility.  Jesus said, “From the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.  For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and be joined to his wife; And the two shall be one flesh: so then they are no more two, but one.  What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mark 10:6-9, amp).

    Creating a good marriage is especially hard because people have different temperaments.  Furthermore, opposites attract.  We tend to marry someone who is strong where we are weak.  Then, together, we will make a whole.  So, dominants choose passives; talkers choose listeners; logicals choose emotionals, and so on.  But once married, we immediately begin trying to change our mate to be “just like us.”

    To have a good marriage, our values should be similar, but our abilities should be complementary.  And above all, we must appreciate the differences.

    Then, we come to marriage with different expectations.  One wife said, “I thought we got married to be together, but he works all the time.”  Her husband said, “I thought we’d have a nice home, but there’s dirty laundry everywhere.”

    Conflict is inevitable if we expect to get our own way in everything.  Instead, if you get what you expect, count it as a bonus.  If not, don’t be upset.
    So, what currency will build our marriage “Bank Account,” and help us avoid bankruptcy?

I.   FIRST, THERE IS COMMITMENT.

    When two people enter a marriage, they are making a serious promise and agreeing to a binding contract.  To be committed means to be supportive, even when you don’t feel like it.  It means to be loyal, even when it’s not easy.  It means to be dedicated over the long-haul.  That’s your Christian duty.  Paul said, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph. 5:21, niv);

    “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (Eph. 5:33, niv).

    Commitment means concern, maturity and sincere good will.  Once, a man went to a marriage counselor and said, “My wife’s a nag.  The other night when she wanted to visit a friend, I offered to stay home and put the kids to bed.  I did that, and also washed the dishes.  When she got home, did she thank me?  No!  She looked in the kitchen and saw the one pan I had forgotten to wash.  And all she said was, “Why didn’t you wash that pan?’”

    “Very interesting!” said the counselor.  “Incidentally, why didn’t you wash that pan?

    The husband began to think about that question.  Suddenly he realized that every time his wife asked him to do something, he always left one little part of it undone, and she would blow up.

    Now, he hadn’t created her explosive temper.  She had it before they had ever met.  But he did “play into it.”  He knew how to trigger her anger by leaving something undone.  Therefore, he could control the situation with destructive games.

    Commitment doesn’t play such games.  It causes us to put the welfare of others above our own.  This builds up our marriage “Bank Account,” and helps us avoid bankruptcy.

II.   NEXT, THERE IS COMPASSION.

    To be compassionate means to love and show affection.  This requires acceptance of faults.  Peter said, “Most importantly, love each other deeply.  Love has a way of not looking at others' sins” (I Peter 4:8, edb).

    Love accepts imperfections.  There are some things that your mate cannot or will not change.  One husband said, “My wife is a ‘drawer opener’; but not a ‘drawer closer.’  That irritated me.  I confronted her and asked for a change. 

    The next week, I observed carefully, but to my dismay there was no change.  Each time I saw an open drawer, I fumed.
    Then, I decided to use logic.  I removed the drawer and showed her the little wheel on the bottom and how it fit into the track and demonstrated its use.  I just knew that she’d understand how serious I was about the matter.

    The next week, I eagerly anticipated change.  But no change came.  I raged!

    Then, one day, our baby daughter fell and cut her face on the edge of an open drawer.  I was proud of myself that I didn’t say, “See what you caused?”  But on the inside, I was saying, “I bet she’ll close those drawers from now on!”  But she didn’t.

    After another week or two, the thought crossed my mind, “I don’t believe she will ever change!”

    I sat down to analyze my alternatives.  I could leave her.  I could be miserable every time I saw an open drawer until the day I die.  Or I could accept her as a ‘drawer opener.’

    I made my decision and announced it.  I said, “Honey, you know this thing about the drawers?”

    “Please don’t bring that up again,” she replied.

    “No,” I said, “I have the answer.  From now on, you don’t ever have to close another drawer.  I’m going to accept that as one of my jobs.  Our drawer problem is over!”

    From that day to this, open drawers have never bothered me.  I feel no hostility or resentment.  I just simply close them.  That’s my job!”

    This example teaches us that in marriage, all of us will discover things that we don’t like about our mate.  It may be the way they squeeze the toothpaste tube, or install the toilet paper.  Now, if some things can be changed, great!  However, there will be certain things that your mate either cannot or will not change.  So, remember, ‘Love accepts imperfections.”

    Constant complaints deplete your marriage “Bank Account.”  It’s not worth it!

    Compassion causes us to give more compliments and expressions of appreciation than criticism.  That builds up our marriage “Bank Account,” and helps us avoid bankruptcy.

III.   FINALLY, THERE IS COMMUNICATION.

    To communicate means to understand and interact productively.  Paul said, “Do not be bitter or angry or mad.  Never shout angrily or say things to hurt others.  Never do anything evil.  Be kind and loving to each other.  Forgive each other . . .” (Eph. 4:31-32, edb).

    Good communication requires more than words.  Understanding is essential!  For instance, when Tom isn’t feeling well, he likes to be left entirely alone.  He doesn’t want any attention, especially from his wife.  He doesn’t want breakfast in bed, flowers delivered to his room, or even a morning newspaper.  Tom’s perception is that if Marie truly loves him, she will respect his wishes.

    Unfortunately, Marie looks at “not feeling well” in just the opposite way.  She wants a lot of attention and sympathy from others, especially from Tom.  Marie’s perception is, that if Tom truly loves her, he will go out of his way to exhibit kindness and caring.

    The first time Marie was ill, Tom showed what he thought was enormous concern.  He left the house for about twelve hours.  Marie was crushed.  She immediately felt that Tom didn’t care.  In fact, just the opposite was true.  Tom thought that he was doing Marie a big favor by getting out of the way.  After all, who would want to be bothered by having someone else around when you’re not feeling well?

    You see, husbands and wives tend to love each other the way they want to be loved, but not necessarily the way their mates want to be loved.  This leads to misunderstanding and anger. 

    Unfortunately, being married to someone, or working closely with someone, doesn’t make it more likely that the two of you will ever see eye to eye.
    In fact, most husbands and wives speak different languages.  The words may be familiar, but the meaning is misunderstood.  For instance, when her husband said, “Now, Jane, you be home before dark!”  Jane heard, “I don’t trust you and I want to control you.”

    But he meant, “I’m really concerned about your safety.”  He just didn’t communicate.

    Always express your needs or feelings clearly in “I language” and be sure it’s understood.

    Communication also includes listening.  This is the single most powerful tool for averting trouble.  If your partner wants to talk, don’t interrupt; don’t vacuum; don’t answer the phone; don’t look to see what’s on TV later.  Just listen!

    Communication causes us to understand.  That builds up our marriage “Bank Account” and helps us avoid bankruptcy.

    Of course, healthy relationships must work both ways.  John said, “Our love should not be only words and talk.  Our love must be true love.  And we should show that love by what we do” (I John 3:18, edb).

    This includes the children in the family.  Children must respect their parents.  Paul said, “Children, obey your parents the way the Lord wants.  This is the right thing to do” (Eph. 6:1, edb).

    But, on the other hand, parents must deserve that respect.  Paul continues his advice saying, “Fathers, do not make your children angry.  Instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4, edb).

    Also, families need to realize that most major problems don’t begin large.  Instead, they are rooted in small annoyances.  It’s like the mighty oak that stood on the skyline of the Rocky Mountains.  The tree had survived hail, heavy snows, bitter cold and ferocious storms for more than a century.  It was finally felled, not by a great lightening strike or an avalanche, but by an attack of tiny beetles.

    Likewise, little hurts, neglects and insults can be the beginning of the end for virtually any relationship.  So avoid the “67th argument.”  Every couple has some particular discussion that always leads to anger.  You can see it coming.  He says this, you say that!  It doesn’t work!  So, change the script.  Try something else!  Eat a snack; walk to the mail box, or watch the squirrels.

    Don’t let A lack of commitment, lack of compassion, and a breakdown in communication bankrupt your marriage.  Solomon said, “Be happy with the wife you married when you were young” (Prov. 5:18a, edb).

    An old woman who had been married for over fifty years, heard a young woman say, “My marriage is pretty good, but it isn’t perfect.”  The wise Senior Citizen interrupted, saying, “Listen, my dear, “when you’re talking about marriage relationships, ‘pretty good’ is perfect.”

    Our families are our most important institutions, and they are at risk today.  Christian marriages in bankruptcy are shameful and destructive.  Never forget that the Scriptures compare marriages to the relationship of Christ to the church.  They are a major part of our witness to unbelievers.

    As Christians, we must have commitment, compassion and communication. 
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(WC1950)

Copyrighted 2009 by Miles and Maralene Wesner, Idabel, OK.  PLEASE FEEL FREE TO USE THIS MESSAGE IN ANY WAY YOU THINK IS APPROPRIATE.  The only thing we ask is that you give credit for original material in PUBLISHED works. 

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Miles E Wesner